Hi Zane. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your experience and feelings here. I am sooooooo sorry for your loss of sweet Garfield. The two of you had (and still have) a deep connection that is an incredible gift, and of course you are grieving. I know you wish you could have known to hold him in your lap at the very end, but I think you are very lucky that you got to be there so he could say goodbye to you. He seems to have known his time had come, but there's no way you could have known that. And it sounds like he didn't suffer. Still, you've suffered a great loss and it will take time to heal. I know you get the basic message of my essay, which is that the mourning for a beloved animal friend is every bit as real and important as it is for a human we've lost. It may be hard when there are no immediate people in your life who feel that way, but I promise you you are not crazy, and you are not alone. HUGS from a stranger!